God, I miss you so much. I can literally close my eyes and imagine putting my hands around your face and kissing you on the lips and then wrapping my arms around you and burying my face into your neck while you have your arms wrapped around my waist. It feels so safe and warm just thinking about it.
You texted me at 11:34 pm yesterday reflecting on growing apart and asking to be friends, but I can't. I love you so much but I can't. I need to love myself and put myself first before I can love you—and you need to do the same. We can never be just "friends." I consider you to be the love of my life and although I had a long term relationship before you, you are my first love.
It hurts me to decline you. But it hurts even more that you think so lowly of me when we're no longer together. Specifically that I'm reckless and irresponsible—all of which I am—but what really shakes my core is that you think of me like a slut. Like I need a male figure to keep me safe, satisfied, and secure. This is the pure reason why I grit my teeth and turn my cheek to caving. There are reasons why I chose to end our relationship and I won't go back on my words. It would compromise my self respect.
The thing about this whole thing is that I refuse to let anyone think that I need them (parents excluded at this point in time).This includes you. I have a life I want to live and if I can do so at my own discretion, then and only then will I open my door to you again.
I miss you so much.
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