Late night ramblings

I haven't written in a while. It's really sobering to sit and just type my thoughts and see them appear on screen...to just let them flow without any real hindrance—not like pen and paper which leaves my hands cramping. My hands just simply can't keep up with my thoughts sometimes.

I feel a little bit stuck with this one just because we're not on the same page more than half the time. Good company nonetheless but as of the last few days, I've just been wanting to retract to what I'm used to and what made me comfortable. I fully believe that I still love him. For me, love is forever. It may not necessarily be that kind of love in which I wish to achieve a romantic relationship with him but I will never let myself go blindly without thinking of my mistakes.

I'm more aware of aching with this one too. I don't know if it's just because of the holidays and season but I'm trying my best not to give in to simple solutions. I owe it to myself to not lose sight of what I've gained in the last three or so months. It wouldn't be fair.

On the up side, I try not to sweat little things. I guess it's just a matter of finding a balance between tolerance and realizing when I'm bending over backwards to see the benefit of having him. It's been *okay* but I see it slowly slipping away. They're not favorable conditions. Hahaha. O-chem. I don't feel at a loss at all—maybe just the idea of not really exhausting all options. Well even then, I don't even see the worth in doing so. Not yet at least.

Maybe I've been desensitized due to my last attempt to finding some light. Or "rebound" for lack of better terms. I don't quite know yet, but hey. I'm not passive.

Hope you regret it. Big time.

This isn't straight from my noggin but it flowed from pen to paper so it seemed organic enough. I'll be omitting specific details but other than that, here are some current thoughts. 

Sometimes I legitimately forget that I'm not worthless and that I do not need to back track and settle. Not worthless, but rather, I'm not worth less. I don't know if it's because of my social anxiety, but often I don't realize there are dudes who would totally love a chance to be with me. It's sad for me to realize that even though I'm not the one that fucked up, that I intrinsically blame situations that don't work out on myself. As of today, I caught myself wondering why he didn't argue with me or fight for a chance to let us keep going. She gave me insight (as always) and said it's because he was still adjusting to me being so forward. I guess I understand that but what it boils down to is that he didn't feel the *need* to challenge himself with me. At least not enough. Likewise, I think I did do what I could to challenge myself. I gave him options and chances and even opportunities to explain myself—all while trying to look at the situation objectively.

I know that one day that I'll either "grow out" of these seemingly brattish tendencies—or I'll meet my soulmate who will know how (or at least be willing) to deal with me and help me work on myself. Til then, I gotta stay on my grind solo dolo.

I feel like I ought to explain that I'm not gassed up in the head about guys wanting a chance to hang out or whatever. I guess in my own defense, I just mean to say that I do forget that people consider me to be attractive in whatever way and they don't think I'm repulsive. I don't know if it's low self esteem or that I have a little sense of social anxiety but typically I don't bother or go out of my way for people who don't involve themselves in me first in avoidance of getting hurt. Sounds silly, I guess.