Late night ramblings

I haven't written in a while. It's really sobering to sit and just type my thoughts and see them appear on screen...to just let them flow without any real hindrance—not like pen and paper which leaves my hands cramping. My hands just simply can't keep up with my thoughts sometimes.

I feel a little bit stuck with this one just because we're not on the same page more than half the time. Good company nonetheless but as of the last few days, I've just been wanting to retract to what I'm used to and what made me comfortable. I fully believe that I still love him. For me, love is forever. It may not necessarily be that kind of love in which I wish to achieve a romantic relationship with him but I will never let myself go blindly without thinking of my mistakes.

I'm more aware of aching with this one too. I don't know if it's just because of the holidays and season but I'm trying my best not to give in to simple solutions. I owe it to myself to not lose sight of what I've gained in the last three or so months. It wouldn't be fair.

On the up side, I try not to sweat little things. I guess it's just a matter of finding a balance between tolerance and realizing when I'm bending over backwards to see the benefit of having him. It's been *okay* but I see it slowly slipping away. They're not favorable conditions. Hahaha. O-chem. I don't feel at a loss at all—maybe just the idea of not really exhausting all options. Well even then, I don't even see the worth in doing so. Not yet at least.

Maybe I've been desensitized due to my last attempt to finding some light. Or "rebound" for lack of better terms. I don't quite know yet, but hey. I'm not passive.

Hope you regret it. Big time.

This isn't straight from my noggin but it flowed from pen to paper so it seemed organic enough. I'll be omitting specific details but other than that, here are some current thoughts. 

Sometimes I legitimately forget that I'm not worthless and that I do not need to back track and settle. Not worthless, but rather, I'm not worth less. I don't know if it's because of my social anxiety, but often I don't realize there are dudes who would totally love a chance to be with me. It's sad for me to realize that even though I'm not the one that fucked up, that I intrinsically blame situations that don't work out on myself. As of today, I caught myself wondering why he didn't argue with me or fight for a chance to let us keep going. She gave me insight (as always) and said it's because he was still adjusting to me being so forward. I guess I understand that but what it boils down to is that he didn't feel the *need* to challenge himself with me. At least not enough. Likewise, I think I did do what I could to challenge myself. I gave him options and chances and even opportunities to explain myself—all while trying to look at the situation objectively.

I know that one day that I'll either "grow out" of these seemingly brattish tendencies—or I'll meet my soulmate who will know how (or at least be willing) to deal with me and help me work on myself. Til then, I gotta stay on my grind solo dolo.

I feel like I ought to explain that I'm not gassed up in the head about guys wanting a chance to hang out or whatever. I guess in my own defense, I just mean to say that I do forget that people consider me to be attractive in whatever way and they don't think I'm repulsive. I don't know if it's low self esteem or that I have a little sense of social anxiety but typically I don't bother or go out of my way for people who don't involve themselves in me first in avoidance of getting hurt. Sounds silly, I guess.

Life lately...

Sylvs and I grabbin' some Vietnamese coffee and a couple GF/vegan banana nut cakes. Yummerrrrrz for days!

Kayla's and my bruxie sandwiches! She had the turkey club and I had the Bruxie Burger. BOMB. I don't know how they do it but the waffle is like sourdough bread and I was in lurveeeeee.

Kayla, Sylvs, and I after church waiting for a table at the Cheesecake Factory | Kayla and I during the long sermon at church. Long, but fulfilling!

Dark Harbor at the Queen Mary! Pretty sure there are between the times we were actually in mazes hahaha

Here's our double date/group on the way back to the car hahahaha

Fast forward to today's events...

Decided to check out Ladies & Gentlemen Coffee Roasters in off of 19th and Market with the Sylvs.

Delightfully impressed by their latte. It's not as an aggressive latte as other coffee shops offer. It's really light but still substantial...like how I would describe a... *GENTLEMAN*. Get it? Yeah. Go me. Hahahaha. I can't wait to make another trip out and try a cold brew.

Then we took breakfast-y goods to another level with Brooklyn Bagel and Bialy sandwiches *heart eyes* I can't remember what Sylvs got exactly, but I know it had cheese, pastrami, and eggs on a plain or egg bagel. I got the Number 3 on an everything bagel. It. Was. BOMB. It had applewood bacon, cheddar cheese, and eggs. Ugh. The perfect holy trio on top of the most amazing everything bagel I've ever had. I thought I was gonna get sick of how salty it was but I honestly just kept going back in for more. Bless.

Finally...here's a selfie of lil' ol' me!

Hella just experimenting with those falsies and the nude lip since my birthday is coming up this Friday. TU TU TU

Dear You.

It's still a process, but I'm realizing what I was missing from our relationship. But I'm glad I'm figuring it out. It's getting easier, but I definitely still have my down days. They're mostly about how it's difficult for me to appreciate myself and my own accomplishments. I'm not trying to play *the victim* but I can't help but feel that I lost the most after everything was said and done. That isn't to say that I'm not happier now, but there are remnants of you in my life.

I know that one day what you left behind won't be a hindrance. I also know that I'll stop looking for you in other people but remember what legacy you left behind.

Missing you is a constant reminder to myself that there's better out there. I'm not damaged goods.

I'd say I was on Cloud 8.5

I thought about you the other night—how I wished I could have shared that kind of experience with you rather than anyone else. I was a little bit uncomfortable with him because his voice got a little thirsty—even though I knew he'd keep me safe and wouldn't try anything.

I guess I just wanted it to be with you. You kept me feeling secure and like I didn't have anything to worry about. Rather than music unifying my overstimulated senses, I wanted it to be you.

But it's okay. After all these thoughts, I delved in deeper about how judgmental you would be if you knew what I was doing and how disgusted you would be of me. You made me feel so goddamn worthless. I realized that if it weren't for myself understanding my need for validity, I would still be hurting now. But I'm not. I (re)found my value and that's how I ended up on a date in the first place.

I have value. I am worth something. I do deserve to be spoiled. I am not inadequate. In fact, I did more for you than anyone else had in the last four years. 

If there's any kind of advice I would give to a couple, I would offer them this quote:

Never put more into your relationship than you get out. That's called servitude. 

- Charles Ray Hastings Jr.

Understand your worth and never forget it. Most importantly, love yourself before you love someone else.

I'm sweating caffeine.

Aleli and I caught up over cold brew this morning at C&T Collective. I missed her. She's so insightful and I loved hearing about her experiences. Her time at uni gave me perspective of how I could be treating life and living it. There really is no shame in being smart and hanging out with different people and I appreciate and respect her so much for opening up with me about her life recently. I can't wait to hang out with her more.

Also. I have a date tomorrow. Go me. HAHA.

I wish the weekend never ended.

The Mixtape - Flume

Had a dope weekend in Riverside. Drove up with Sylvs and Kirk on Friday evening. I was pretty tired on Saturday morning, but I got up and cooked breakfast for everyone. Made it to church and met with my sister and then had lunch at Guppies. I was so happy to see all my friends from school! Ugh, I really wish I was going to school this year, but damn. Afterwards, we went back to the apartment and chilled. The guys and I watched Mixology as per Sylvs' recommendation. After our food comas kicked in, we all took the fattest Sabbath naps. Then we proceeded to TU in the evening. Interesting events that night, but a great night nonetheless.

Sunday was also very chill. I ended up passing out around 1-2am and waking up and going back to sleep several times until I officially got up at 11am to shower and get ready. (During this time, I sent a tasteful picture.) Sylvs, Adrian, Kayla, and I went to Garden Grove (or was it Gardena?) for Boiling Crab. The journey there felt like forevs but the vibes were sick. Adrian, Sylvs, and I were all a little hungover but we were chillin. The wait was so damn long and I hadn't eaten anything but a brownie all day, haha! So while we were waiting for our table, we walked across the plaza to Tenren for milk tea boba. Bless that milk tea because it gave me some caffeine that I needed.

When we were finally seated after an hour of waiting, god, everything was just so funny because we were all delirious. Our server looked a little hungover too, but we made the best of it thanks to Kayla. She had so much energy, LOL. I think the highlight of the day was that he approached our table and was like, "oh, I forgot a pen, hold on" but I stopped him and was like, "OH, I HAVE ONE." We all busted up laughing because bruh, so delirious. Hahahaha. We each had our share of shrimp and crab with rice and the classics, ugh. But I haven't been eating enough lately so my stomach can only hold so much. I couldn't even finish my rice and half pound of shrimp with one corn. But I was about it! The drive back was excruciating with a food coma LOL, but we all stayed awake thanks to Adrian's music *insert A-OK emoji*

Once we got back, Sylvs let me take Kayla back to the dorms and run a few errands. I showed Kayla her classes and after, we waited for Jon Kim for Kayla's Ethernet cable. He took us to run our errands at Target after LOL. The food coma/hangover hit me pretty hard when we were hanging out so I was hella quiet the entire time hahaha. Unfortunately, our hangout ended early because Sylvs and I had to head back to San Diego. It was a little frustrating, but what can you really do? It was both out of our control, but hell, it was fine.

Her and I always have the coolest conversations during drives and stuff. I appreciate her so much! Once we finally got off the freeway, we booked it to Walmart and got ingredients for pasta because we were both starving, LOL. When we got back to her house, she got tied up so I made us dinner to prevent myself from knocking out so freakin' hard, hahaha. After an hour or so, we finally got to eat, and it was SO. BOMB. Shortly after, we passed out until late this morning. Now I'm here.

Happy national coffee day! Here's to an amazing week.

Trying not to be about it.

But, I'm so about it.

There's so much negative stigma around it. Ugh. It's so frustrating. I wanna get into it after a few weekends about but damn. It seems like a bad crowd. I'm addicted to the idea of it. It's just so chill. Ugh.

Things I'm appreciative for (right at this very moment)

• I'm so happy I got to spend the last three days or so with my friends
• I love that I got to spend the last three days at the beach too
• my tan looks splendid and I've gotten a compliment on it
• my hair is silky smooth
• I'm glad my parents gave me the chance to hang out with my friends
• I finally have the opportunity for work (despite that it's per diem)
• my siblings seem very happy 
• I got to paddle board this weekend and have finally sparked the interest in it all over again
• my bed is waiting for me to spend time with it this evening 
• my eyelashes and eyeliner were incredibly on point today (and have been the last several days)
• I had crab hut for lunch for the first time in a long time 
• I successfully printed out my resume for tomorrow's interview 
• I've been (newly) single for about a month now and have enjoyed all of it without having the urge of contacting him.
• my cousin got her nursing license!
• I'll be able to see more of my friends next week and next weekend 
• I finally get to go to the gym tomorrow and start up my routine again
• I'm starting a new week to hopefully be successful!

I'm really angry with myself

Like, more frustrated than anything.

I feel like I've had a taste of social anxiety kind of frequently lately. Like I've felt like I have to hold back what I feel or want to say. Or I don't know. I miss being unfiltered. But you know, like, I've been filtered for a long time. With my ex too. I feel like it's unhealthy that I have these thoughts or needs to say something just in general. I'm starting to be really needy in that sense and I think that's what it is. I think I need to keep my head on straight, lol. I don't need a dude's presence to feel whole. I think the desire for it is natural and it's okay for me to feel this way—it's just a matter of controlling myself. I can do it. I'm a big girl.

Uncomfortable

I've been putting myself in weird positions the last few days, plus my hormones are raging since I'll be receiving my monthly visit from my period. I jumped on tinder (lol) and boosted my ego knowing that these dudes would smash me (ugh, I know, so shallow). But then it started feeling really invasive. So I finally dropped it today. It was fun while it lasted, but I cannot imagine myself pursuing a dude I found via Tinder, the most shallow hook up app in the world. But it was nice reminding myself that dudes do find me attractive.

I also opened up to a dude today that I'm newly single. It was the thirst and it also reminded me too that even though some time has passed, I'm not over him. I miss him a lot and I forgot what it's like to be independent. I don't know how to let another person in and potentially trust him but also be complacent enough that if it doesn't work out, I won't hurt (too hard). It's been a little stressful the past few hours lol.

Nonetheless, I'm ready for a break to the beach tomorrow. I've gone thrice in the last seven days and I love it. I feel so at peace with the beach and I can't imagine my life without it now—in retrospect. It's like my hiding place where I can be myself the most without any repercussions or negative thoughts. On top of that, I haven't shared it with anyone that can compromise how I feel about the beach. It's great.

Anyway, just a few thoughts. I'm gonna do my best to throw my feelings and shit into my workout tomorrow. Also, I'm dying to pick up a new book at the library. It's been too long since I've read a book.

/edit
I just wanted to point out that it is a good thing that I've let myself become uncomfortable. Because by the time I begin to feel comfortable again, I'll have overcame a few obstacles and become a better person. Improvement comes from stepping out of your comfort zone and owning what bothers you.

Just a flurry of thoughts

• I missed you a little harder than usual last night. We were all around a bonfire and all I could think of is us sitting together too among every one—although this has never occurred before. Thankfully I only thought of this when I let my mind drift a little bit. It wasn't too hard to bring myself back to reality. 
• The bonfire was such a success. I love summer. And San Diego. And my friends. 
• Hahahaha. He has a "thing" for me and I can tell. It's adorbs and I will allow myself to be flattered by such.
• I wish I went to Nocturnal Wonderland! UGH. 
• My sister has been quite annoying lately. 
• I'm dying to put together my room but ugh. It will freakin happen. 
• Coffee is the best thing ever. 
• I've decided that I will not go out (to the bar or club or whatever) unless I am paying for my drinks/food with my own money. I refuse to use my parents money for that lol.
• I'm dying to go shopping. Okay not dying, but it seems like such a nice idea. 
• Disneyland like hella times this week. I. Am. So. Excited.
• Speaking of, I've been to the beach two days in a row. I think I may make it three days in a row this afternoon, hehehe

Not So Great Night

I drove to Anaheim to have dinner with my friends for the first time in a long while. I had a great time but I wish I had more time to spend with them because I was honestly on the road longer than I was with them. And driving gave me a lot of free time to just think.

It was so lonely. You think I'd be pretty smooth sailing from here on out, but not quite. I just felt so alone. I have spurts of anger and it sucks. I think about how quickly you had "changed" as a result of me breaking up with you because we were so comfortable—and then this sudden change?

I'm angry.

I don't know if I'll ever be completely over it until there is someone better than you, but don't think I'm not trying.

Listening to the saddest song ever rn.

I finally deleted our pictures.

I see you've unfriended me and blocked me in every way possible.

I get it. I mean, I ended things. For my own sake. If this is true, why do I feel so fucking awful? Like this was the biggest mistake of my life? But at the same time one of the greatest things I've done for myself in years? I meant it when I told you that if it's God's will that we're together, it will happen. I need to believe this for myself because you just feel so gone. Like deleted out of my life completely and I fucking hate it. Like nothing ever happened.

I feel so hurt. I can't really wrap my head around the way you must feel but it must feel really fucking awful. Oh, me? I'm just hurt (now) that it took all of this for you to have an epiphany of sorts...and I think what feels worse is that when I think about trying again with you, it feels tired. Like nothing has changed. I honestly tried to see what was so different when we met again, but it felt like such an act—just to get me back.

I'm aching and now I think I understand how it must have felt when we sat on the bench and I told you I didn't want to try again right now. But I really, really hope you understand where I was and am coming from.

The hardest part about this is getting through my night to finally sleep and finally exit my abyss of debilitating emptiness. I suppose I should just remind myself of why this occurred and how it benefits me.

I miss you though. And I never told you, but I love you too. I love you so much and I know you'll grow even more. I'm so happy you've been able to overcome your IBS. I know doing so will take you so many places. I know right now is so damn difficult, but I know in the end, the both of us will be incredibly happy—with or without each other.

P.S., I'm sorry for acting like the coldest bitch you have ever met in your life. I'm so sorry for hurting you.

Sups San Diegan

Had the most amazing Sunday Funday today. I caught up with two really close friends from high school today, but I want to hang out with them more often so I don't just know them as my friends from high school.

I first had coffee and went to the beach with Cleve. I had a cappuccino at Bird Rock Coffee Roasters. I wasn't too keen on their cappuccino—maybe because it was heavy on the milk. We caught up and started talking about our aspirations for the near future. It's so refreshing to talk about art with someone that really understands me.

Afterwards, we headed to Windansea beach. So. Freakin. Gorgeous. Honestly, I cannot wait to visit again and swim next time. The waves look like they crash really stupid hard but I want to experience the surge of power in the waves.

We had lunch at some taco shop in La Jolla too and talked more about life and what we should pursue in the near future. Cleve gave me the idea of pursuing San Francisco and try to find work up there, even just for a few months. It sounds perfect, but I'll still have to give it a lot of thought. But it truly is such a great opportunity. It's like just a 12 week trial to experience SF. As for him, he's trying to pursue his career and dreams. I don't want to go too into it as it's his business to elaborate on, but I only really and truly wish him all the success in the world. He's been on his grind for years now and despite how young we are, I hope he goes out and takes what he can. He deserves it.

I met with Rhona after Cleve and I split. Luckily, she was not too far from Windansea. It was honestly the greatest thing to sit and catch up with her. It's literally been more than a year since we've hung out and talked. We started at UTC, first in the food court and then walking around. Sups bougie. We talked a lot about people in high school—from people who are actually graduating on time to people who aren't doing shit to people who just haven't changed one bit from high school. The reality of everyone's post-high school actions are mostly sad but as a result, left us feeling pretty damn good. We also discussed how we're both doing in life and our aspirations for the near future. I missed her, man. It's literally like we picked up from the year or two ago where we left off.

It was also really refreshing to meet her boyfriend, Kevin. I haven't seen her that stupid happy in the longest. They're adorable like, I can't even. Last thought I wanted to talk about was that we talked about my relationship status and her and him played a little game of matchmaker. It's kinda fun when it's about you after feeling trapped (for lack of better terms) for an extended period of time.

It feels good to have all this freedom.

Get low when the whistle blow

Leg day today and I'm feelin'. I killed 90% of my workouts this week and I'm excited to hit my glutes, hams, quads, and calves. I love going in the evening because there are a lot less people at the gym and the lights are dimmed. I gives me a strong sense of self and I focus harder on myself because it literally just feels like the gym and I so to speak, hahaha. I love it. I also started spinning again this week. I missed it so much...like moving my legs and sitting in the saddle felt so natural. My legs are pretty strong considering it's been such a long time since I've spun and I can keep up okay!

 

All three of these pictures are from last Friday but I felt like posting a few to compare in a month or so. I'm hoping my muscles will grow and my body fat percentage will shrink.

On top of that, him and I have been up and down-ish. I know I haven't blogged in a few days, but all I care to talk about right now is that we're on okay terms right now. It got bad on Tuesday night and even on Wednesday, but we're slowly coming to better terms. I know sometime next week him and I will meet up over coffee in San Juan Capistrano as this is the midpoint between the both of us. I feel like we're being such adults by doing this. It feels pretty good.

Also, my sister finally came home from her road trip! She brought back pasalubong for me that I so deeply appreciate because of the fact she even thought about me through the trip. It's very sweet.

These cookies are from Cracker Barrel, though I'm not sure which exact one. The cookies aren't whole in its entirety, though rather crumbled from travel but nonetheless, delicious. I love that they're made with whole food and don't have any preservatives. This isn't to say they are healthy by any means, but at least I know they're not made from anything artificial. They're delicious, by the way. Hahahaha

She also got me the Band of Outsiders x Starbucks mug. It's amazing! I love it. I think it suits me so well and I can't wait to use it even more! (So far, I've used it once). On the right are cookies I made on Wednesday night. I used stevia in the raw to substitute sugar, but they're still delicious.

I also wanted to mention that I found out about the app FaceQ and made myself. I think it's pretty damn accurate, LOL.

Bikini comp?

So I'm going to do it. I've decided already. But not soon. I've gone back and forth about how I'd fund my bikini prep with a coach and training and all the other expenses, but dude, it's expensive. I'm guessimating about $1900+, and that's without food. $1900 for 12 weeks is about $158 per week. I thought about asking my parents to fund all of that as a birthday present, but I've weighed out the pros and cons. There's definitely more cons.

I don't like the idea of my parents paying for my interest in training and all the other expenses. If I were to pay for it myself, I probably wouldn't be able to start training until November, after I begin working. November and December are absolute holiday months so I know for a fact that I probably won't be able to really stay close to my contest prep diet. With all of that said, if I work and what not, I can save up and start training in January. That sounds really awesome! I honestly can't wait.

I'm still going to work on losing some body fat between now and then, bulking too I suppose. The last thing that I want is to be a scrawny, skinny competitor. I really would like to be the competitor that is strong and muscular, even if I end up lacking boobs.

I want this so bad, I know it's my time right now.

I'm honestly so excited to have muscular legs with my delts popping out and my back all toned while I'm posing on stage. Ugh. Wow. Here's a few pictures of inspiration.

Not my pictures. All pictures in this post linked to where I found them on tumblr.