Listening to the saddest song ever rn.

I finally deleted our pictures.

I see you've unfriended me and blocked me in every way possible.

I get it. I mean, I ended things. For my own sake. If this is true, why do I feel so fucking awful? Like this was the biggest mistake of my life? But at the same time one of the greatest things I've done for myself in years? I meant it when I told you that if it's God's will that we're together, it will happen. I need to believe this for myself because you just feel so gone. Like deleted out of my life completely and I fucking hate it. Like nothing ever happened.

I feel so hurt. I can't really wrap my head around the way you must feel but it must feel really fucking awful. Oh, me? I'm just hurt (now) that it took all of this for you to have an epiphany of sorts...and I think what feels worse is that when I think about trying again with you, it feels tired. Like nothing has changed. I honestly tried to see what was so different when we met again, but it felt like such an act—just to get me back.

I'm aching and now I think I understand how it must have felt when we sat on the bench and I told you I didn't want to try again right now. But I really, really hope you understand where I was and am coming from.

The hardest part about this is getting through my night to finally sleep and finally exit my abyss of debilitating emptiness. I suppose I should just remind myself of why this occurred and how it benefits me.

I miss you though. And I never told you, but I love you too. I love you so much and I know you'll grow even more. I'm so happy you've been able to overcome your IBS. I know doing so will take you so many places. I know right now is so damn difficult, but I know in the end, the both of us will be incredibly happy—with or without each other.

P.S., I'm sorry for acting like the coldest bitch you have ever met in your life. I'm so sorry for hurting you.

Sups San Diegan

Had the most amazing Sunday Funday today. I caught up with two really close friends from high school today, but I want to hang out with them more often so I don't just know them as my friends from high school.

I first had coffee and went to the beach with Cleve. I had a cappuccino at Bird Rock Coffee Roasters. I wasn't too keen on their cappuccino—maybe because it was heavy on the milk. We caught up and started talking about our aspirations for the near future. It's so refreshing to talk about art with someone that really understands me.

Afterwards, we headed to Windansea beach. So. Freakin. Gorgeous. Honestly, I cannot wait to visit again and swim next time. The waves look like they crash really stupid hard but I want to experience the surge of power in the waves.

We had lunch at some taco shop in La Jolla too and talked more about life and what we should pursue in the near future. Cleve gave me the idea of pursuing San Francisco and try to find work up there, even just for a few months. It sounds perfect, but I'll still have to give it a lot of thought. But it truly is such a great opportunity. It's like just a 12 week trial to experience SF. As for him, he's trying to pursue his career and dreams. I don't want to go too into it as it's his business to elaborate on, but I only really and truly wish him all the success in the world. He's been on his grind for years now and despite how young we are, I hope he goes out and takes what he can. He deserves it.

I met with Rhona after Cleve and I split. Luckily, she was not too far from Windansea. It was honestly the greatest thing to sit and catch up with her. It's literally been more than a year since we've hung out and talked. We started at UTC, first in the food court and then walking around. Sups bougie. We talked a lot about people in high school—from people who are actually graduating on time to people who aren't doing shit to people who just haven't changed one bit from high school. The reality of everyone's post-high school actions are mostly sad but as a result, left us feeling pretty damn good. We also discussed how we're both doing in life and our aspirations for the near future. I missed her, man. It's literally like we picked up from the year or two ago where we left off.

It was also really refreshing to meet her boyfriend, Kevin. I haven't seen her that stupid happy in the longest. They're adorable like, I can't even. Last thought I wanted to talk about was that we talked about my relationship status and her and him played a little game of matchmaker. It's kinda fun when it's about you after feeling trapped (for lack of better terms) for an extended period of time.

It feels good to have all this freedom.

Get low when the whistle blow

Leg day today and I'm feelin'. I killed 90% of my workouts this week and I'm excited to hit my glutes, hams, quads, and calves. I love going in the evening because there are a lot less people at the gym and the lights are dimmed. I gives me a strong sense of self and I focus harder on myself because it literally just feels like the gym and I so to speak, hahaha. I love it. I also started spinning again this week. I missed it so much...like moving my legs and sitting in the saddle felt so natural. My legs are pretty strong considering it's been such a long time since I've spun and I can keep up okay!

 

All three of these pictures are from last Friday but I felt like posting a few to compare in a month or so. I'm hoping my muscles will grow and my body fat percentage will shrink.

On top of that, him and I have been up and down-ish. I know I haven't blogged in a few days, but all I care to talk about right now is that we're on okay terms right now. It got bad on Tuesday night and even on Wednesday, but we're slowly coming to better terms. I know sometime next week him and I will meet up over coffee in San Juan Capistrano as this is the midpoint between the both of us. I feel like we're being such adults by doing this. It feels pretty good.

Also, my sister finally came home from her road trip! She brought back pasalubong for me that I so deeply appreciate because of the fact she even thought about me through the trip. It's very sweet.

These cookies are from Cracker Barrel, though I'm not sure which exact one. The cookies aren't whole in its entirety, though rather crumbled from travel but nonetheless, delicious. I love that they're made with whole food and don't have any preservatives. This isn't to say they are healthy by any means, but at least I know they're not made from anything artificial. They're delicious, by the way. Hahahaha

She also got me the Band of Outsiders x Starbucks mug. It's amazing! I love it. I think it suits me so well and I can't wait to use it even more! (So far, I've used it once). On the right are cookies I made on Wednesday night. I used stevia in the raw to substitute sugar, but they're still delicious.

I also wanted to mention that I found out about the app FaceQ and made myself. I think it's pretty damn accurate, LOL.

Bikini comp?

So I'm going to do it. I've decided already. But not soon. I've gone back and forth about how I'd fund my bikini prep with a coach and training and all the other expenses, but dude, it's expensive. I'm guessimating about $1900+, and that's without food. $1900 for 12 weeks is about $158 per week. I thought about asking my parents to fund all of that as a birthday present, but I've weighed out the pros and cons. There's definitely more cons.

I don't like the idea of my parents paying for my interest in training and all the other expenses. If I were to pay for it myself, I probably wouldn't be able to start training until November, after I begin working. November and December are absolute holiday months so I know for a fact that I probably won't be able to really stay close to my contest prep diet. With all of that said, if I work and what not, I can save up and start training in January. That sounds really awesome! I honestly can't wait.

I'm still going to work on losing some body fat between now and then, bulking too I suppose. The last thing that I want is to be a scrawny, skinny competitor. I really would like to be the competitor that is strong and muscular, even if I end up lacking boobs.

I want this so bad, I know it's my time right now.

I'm honestly so excited to have muscular legs with my delts popping out and my back all toned while I'm posing on stage. Ugh. Wow. Here's a few pictures of inspiration.

Not my pictures. All pictures in this post linked to where I found them on tumblr.

I live for afternoons like this

Currently: Land of Gathering by The Ceremonies

I had a great time yesterday. And despite the fact that I was probably a tad bit annoying because I was so freakin' cold, I live for days like this. I love the beach, weirdly enough. If I told myself this a month or two ago, she wouldn't have believed you.

Here's to more happy days.

Sabbat shalom

I had a really good day today.

I went to church. I went to the beach with my friends. I had dinner with them too.

But for some reason I'm not satisfied. And I think it's because I keep thinking about him. He thinks I'm throwing him away because he thinks I think he's a piece of shit when really, there are about a good handful of reasons as to why I would not like to be with him anymore. They certainly present an ultimatum, but they're necessary.

And I don't necessarily think I'll find my *perfect guy* but right now, I'm unhappy. I don't know if him and I are no longer compatible for one another. Maybe I only need a break.

I don't intend on searching for whoever is my *perfect guy*. I mean, I didn't search for him and I was already so blessed. I'll just let life happen to me and hopefully come to some conclusions.

Pictures of the beach to follow.

Dude, I get it

I totally get this whole body acceptance/body confidence concept. Dude, I'm living it! I don't feel like being elaborate tonight, but one of my biggest motivations to work out is that dude, my body deserves to be strong. I no longer look at my workouts as a way to compensate for bad decisions. Even when I eat remotely "bad," I look it at as that I should use that energy to work way harder in the gym. I let myself go the last couple of quarters, but I'm back at it again.

Bipolar

I cried about the break up for the first time since it happened, last night. I had a terrible dream about how my parents didn't give a fuck about my 21st birthday—and even though that's really shallow and self-centered, it made me feel awful and shitty because I already feel like a disappointment. As if I haven't accomplished shit the past year or so just because I didn't get accepted into the program.

But I woke up okay and got through my workout at the gym pretty well.

My feelings about him and everything that surrounds him is very up and down. Sometimes I hurt, but sometimes I'm simply complacent. And my complacency is enough reason for me to realize that him and I shouldn't be together. It's the main reason why we broke up. I find comfort in the idea of him, as he was my best friend. But I don't think that him and I could retain a simple (best) friendship. Where would the boundaries be? It scares me to think there might be someone better than him out there and how much it could hurt him. I love him. I think about him all the time. But it's not enough right now.

I get scared that one day, he's really going to leave my life forever. Like, he'll demand for all of his things back. I'm afraid he'll take away Pepperdine. Pepperdine is everything to me. Pepperdine connects me to him and is a symbol of him and what hope I have for us in the future. I wake up with Pepperdine. I go to sleep with Pepperdine. When I'm alone, I'm with Pepperdine. Pepperdine is my security blanket...and I think once Pepperdine's gone, all of him will be too.

I'm always trying to trust in God about this, but I don't know what to do right now. I'm afraid to lose him but what if He puts someone else in my way to test me?

Just to keep you satisfied

Before I indulge in a sadder stream of consciousness, I got the chance to spend time with my parents.We had dinner together and I got to bond with them together without siblings. I mean, there's nothing wrong with my siblings, but it's a different experience when it's just me there—like a temporary only child, haha.

Anyway. A lot of different thoughts today...like how my breakup affects my friends and his family, how I'm afraid to get back out there and let someone in again, and my upcoming birthday.

I just introduced the idea of how his family is going to react to the break up to myself earlier today. I started thinking about one of his cousins and how I became really fond of her friendship through the years and even his nephew and how awful it'll be if he asks where I've been. I don't even know if I'll come back anymore. I love him, but there are so many conditions that I cannot sacrifice for our relationship right now. Like, I know and understand that he has anxiety issues and even though he's grown so much in the last four years, it's just not enough for our relationship right now.

I need the progression...like if I were to celebrate my birthday in San Diego, I would need him to be there without any fuss. It's for me. It's so frustrating because I would have to convince him. I'm honestly not afraid of being open with my parents about my past relationship if we were still together and I think I would just appreciate that him and I would have exhausted all options for our relationship to thrive—but it's not enough to just sit in North Hills and act as if everything is acceptable and we're both satisfied. Because we're not.

I also started thinking about how my friends are going to react. It's a weird and slightly selfish thought, but still present. Like they're so used to asking about him. And if I start seeing someone (not soon hopefully), I only want my friends to be concerned with my happiness and nothing to do with what my past was like, just as long as I'm happy. I don't know why I'm thinking about everyone else when all that should matter is myself in this situation, but I'm pretty good at caring about others, smh.

Finally, I started thinking about what I want to do for my 21st birthday. I kind of like the idea of having it on a dinner cruise wearing For Love & For Lemon's Antigua dress. Then I started thinking about who I'd invite and more so—would I have a date? Probably not, but one of things I've stressed about is how I wanted him to be so much a part of spending that day with me (and my friends and my drunken desires). But we always fought about it. And it both angers me and reminds me of the deep ache I have of never fully having him. It's a problem that is my own as I understand that anxiety is a disease and he doesn't control that, just as one does not control his or her own cancer (or any other disease). It's so selfish of me to be this way but I don't know if I have anymore to give. I don't even know why I always want so much. I feel like it has and always has been what I want. Was I spoiled? Did I really as for so much? Did I not deserve it? Was I not worthy of what I wanted—whether it's sex, his time, or his experiences?

Now that we're not in a relationship, I look at all the options I can pursue. But yet, I still think about how I wish I could share these experiences with him. I don't know if he really understands who I am and the wanderlust/strong desire I have to explore and experience new things. And then I think about how selfish I am to not pardon his debilitating issue. Then I think about how in movies, when a girl gets with a new guy and in the end, realizes her ex (or someone else, just not that guy isn't for her despite how great he may have been) is the one and the two get back together. I'm afraid to go through that process because if I so choose to be open to opportunities brought forward to me, I know he won't be so open if I go back to him. Think about it. A girl dates a great guy but because he isn't perfect, they break up. She decides to search for the one when really, he is the one. But he's also human and doesn't accept her for not loving him in his entirety in the first place.

I ache just thinking about what if the tables were turned.

Just a slight epiphany

Though not necessarily *good* in its realization...just more realistic with myself I guess. I'm finding out a lot of things about myself that I didn't quite know or think that I am now that I've realized it. More so on the the topic of sensuality and all that encompasses it.

If you really wanna continue reading this, follow the page break. I can't guarantee that it'll be PG-13 in the least bit but it's the truth about the way I feel and my honest stream of consciousness.

Case of the Mondays

Today was a little dumpy. Harder to find a bright moment. I guess the best thing that happened to today was that I took a satisfying nap. Other than that, pretty shitty.

It's hard for me to not hold a grudge, so I'll just vent one last time here (hopefully). I think I remember introducing my friend A to Flume. One day, I was just like yo, listen to this shit. I proceeded to tell her about how I wanna see him perform at Outside Lands along with Kanye and Disclosure. I even propose the plan to go to SF for Outside Lands with her and another friend of ours. The plans didn't fall through and even if they would, she wouldn't be able to go because she would be in Fresno.

Fast forward, she posts on IG that she's in SF *nearby* OSL the same weekend it's happening. If that's not enough fuckin' shade, she posts in her snapchat story that she's off to see Flume. Fuckin' Flume.

I'm butthurt af that she left me the fuck out. I feel like I can't trust girls like that and shit, man. It's so damn high school.

But I did take a really good nap, haha.

Sleep

Groggy morning due to terrible sleep. I love having Max's company but we always end up in the oddest positions and I just get so tired and my body wants freedom from contorting to the way Max is sleeping on my bed.

Today I watched a ton of OITNB. My parents, Max, and I went to the Filipino Cultural Event or whatever. Boring. Fuckboys galore.

When we got home, I watched more OITNB. After a few episodes, I noticed my eyes feeling quite fatigued so I decided to grab After Night, a pillow, Max's dinner, and head outside. I fed Max then laid down on the bricks with a pillow under my head and began to read. Nothing intriguing. When my eyes started hurting again, I put down my book and let my thoughts wander. I enjoyed the last of the Golden Hour and indulged in my feelings. Then I drifted off into some light sleep. *cue fourth day of happiness*

I ought to spend more time outside like that. It's summer and it was really enjoyable to wind down that way before dinner.

Anyway, you know how I feel about my kettle corn.

What I wish I'd say

God, I miss you so much. I can literally close my eyes and imagine putting my hands around your face and kissing you on the lips and then wrapping my arms around you and burying my face into your neck while you have your arms wrapped around my waist. It feels so safe and warm just thinking about it.

You texted me at 11:34 pm yesterday reflecting on growing apart and asking to be friends, but I can't. I love you so much but I can't. I need to love myself and put myself first before I can love you—and you need to do the same. We can never be just "friends." I consider you to be the love of my life and although I had a long term relationship before you, you are my first love.

It hurts me to decline you. But it hurts even more that you think so lowly of me when we're no longer together. Specifically that I'm reckless and irresponsible—all of which I am—but what really shakes my core is that you think of me like a slut. Like I need a male figure to keep me safe, satisfied, and secure. This is the pure reason why I grit my teeth and turn my cheek to caving. There are reasons why I chose to end our relationship and I won't go back on my words. It would compromise my self respect.

The thing about this whole thing is that I refuse to let anyone think that I need them (parents excluded at this point in time).This includes you. I have a life I want to live and if I can do so at my own discretion, then and only then will I open my door to you again.

I miss you so much.

A lamp just fell on me.

Literally. LOL.

Last night I met with Lindsey, Derek (her brother), Abby, and Abby's friend. We had dessert at Extraordinary Desserts (fitting, no?). Lindsey and I shared this chocolate mousse torte named "Au Chocolat" and their brown sugar vanilla ice cream with this grapefruit tea.

The dark brown sauce definitely had espresso and it was so amazing with the dessert. The ice cream, however, was so overpowered by the chocolate that I couldn't even taste the brown sugar aspect of it, haha! Just the vanilla, but definitely still delicious.

We had so little time to really catch up with each other...but this was good enough. I can't wait to hang out with her again soon. I really didn't think that her and I would truly have such a solid friendship (but then again, I always think that of everyone), but regardless, I'm so blessed to have a good friend like her.

Today was a little more difficult. I felt so much disdain this morning prior to church and even through church service, but I got over it. Why let myself get so consumed right? I got so caught up thinking about all these individuals who use drugs to get ahead and then are so rewarded with some kind of success—well, it looks that way superficially. I was fuming. But why bother? After a few minutes of being internally caught up in these thoughts, I kind of had this instinct that essentially told me that one quote—something about if someone hates on you, who cares because you don't even think about you. You know? Like, I was getting so caught up about hating on someone whose life is irrelevant to mine. FJSDKLJFLK when I find the quote again, it'll make more sense. What matters was that I triumphed that moment, okay.

We went to BV church today. It made me miss LaSU and my friends and church. I started crying in church and felt like a fool...mostly because I don't like being so vulnerable around anyone. But I let myself have the moment. I let myself be open and true to my feelings and in the moment, I think that's what I needed. Maybe I'd even go as far to say that I let myself be vulnerable because it meant being open with God again, for the first time in a long time. I'd say that's pretty notable despite the bittersweet feelings. Anyway, here's a picture of my parents and I. I think it's safe to say they were incredibly excited to be there this morning (even though it was their idea to attend BV).

Not very flattering picture of myself but it's not awful, haha.

I almost caved. No. I didn't actually. What I meant was the thought of caving was (and is) stronger at night. I instinctively think about him before I go to bed and hope that he's doing okay. Despite our goodbyes, I didn't even think to tell him to take care of himself...not that he needs that reminder...but I just think he kind of needed that reminder because him and I often forget how much we rely on each other. He beats himself up pretty hard when this happens and usually I come to his rescue and pick him back up, but I don't think that will happen again or at least anytime soon. But him (and I) have to learn to be independent and responsible for ourselves. In our relationship, he took care of me. Constant reminders of responsibilities and things I need to keep in mind. I realized that I had to be that consciousness for myself—constantly and explicitly remind myself to be smart and not be so reckless.

I'm not sure why that is. It's almost as if he kept my mind all in one place or maybe I just haven't figured my shit out yet. I think it's the latter and I want it to be that way.

There's too much "I need him, he completes me" and not enough "I complete me yet I [him] along for this journey"

(source)

Cien días buenas

...Or one hundred good days. At least I think that's the correct way to write it in Spanish.

Anyway. We broke up (again). It's the first time in a long time. And I think it'll be for a long a time. I don't really wanna talk about it much; I think that'll be for another post when I feel like reflecting on it. I'm listening to Flosstradamus because I'm planning on going to Mad Decent and I wanna feel prepared for his set lol.

I don't think he'll find this blog. If he does...ugh. I just felt like I needed an outlet to get my thoughts out. But I didn't want to make it private because Idk, what if. I still love him. I think I got comfortable. I think he thinks I don't love or care about him anymore. I also think that him and I both consciously think after a week has passed, that it'll be "okay" for us to start talking again and possibly get back together again. But I don't think so.

I don't want to cave. We both owe it to ourselves to get our priorities straight—putting ourselves first then work back to putting each other first. Or something like that. That's my prerogative at least. I just feel like I fucked up by getting too comfortable and not appreciating him for everything he was (or is??) to me in the relationship we had. I think if began to appreciate him and had more patience for him, then maybe I'd try to get into contact with him again.

It's an awful feeling to think about what if in that time—between now and when I decide that we should give it a try again—he finds someone else? It'll hurt, and I know this, but if he really believes that she's better than me for him, then how can I complain? I've always wanted nothing but the best for him but I wanted to be the one to give him the best he deserves. If it happens, I'll accept it and just hope that God has something better for me because we'll really be in a pickle if he's for me but she's for him—what? I'm confused. I just hope I'm not the one with the shorter stick.

I don't think I'll find someone. I'm not like the way I was in high school. You know, open to anyone. I imagine that if he isn't "the one," then "the one" will *slide into my DMs* in such a way that only one key will fit into the lock.

Who am I kidding? It's only been a couple days. A dragging long couple of days.

I have my days quite occupied but it's those lonely, quiet nights that leave me alone to my thoughts. No, that's why you borrowed those books from the library. Duh, self. DUH. Sources say that it's not good to read a book before you sleep, but honestly it's the only medicine that will cure my thoughts. Beats feeling sad and sorry for everything.

Wow, I totally forgot why I even began blogging. After my relationship ended a few days ago, I told myself I ought to take care of myself and not succumb to caving. I'm sure I'll have some off days, but I wanted to solidify this idea of "one hundred happy days." I owe it to myself to be better without a relationship—at least have the satisfaction that I am better one way than the other. I'm on Day....2 now?

On day one, I went to the library. Now that I have a year off, there's honestly nothing greater than having the ability to read so leisurely—unless it's reading leisurely at the beach. Then that's greater. I picked up After Dark by Haruki Murakami and The Vacationers by Emma Straub. I've started After Dark and so far, I understand why everyone is so captivated by Murakami.

Today, I took my first kiteboarding lesson. Two hours long but I've got a good hold on how to control the kite. Coincidence? Maybe a blessing.

Here's to 97 more happy days,