Last night I met with Lindsey, Derek (her brother), Abby, and Abby's friend. We had dessert at Extraordinary Desserts (fitting, no?). Lindsey and I shared this chocolate mousse torte named "Au Chocolat" and their brown sugar vanilla ice cream with this grapefruit tea.
The dark brown sauce definitely had espresso and it was so amazing with the dessert. The ice cream, however, was so overpowered by the chocolate that I couldn't even taste the brown sugar aspect of it, haha! Just the vanilla, but definitely still delicious.
We had so little time to really catch up with each other...but this was good enough. I can't wait to hang out with her again soon. I really didn't think that her and I would truly have such a solid friendship (but then again, I always think that of everyone), but regardless, I'm so blessed to have a good friend like her.
Today was a little more difficult. I felt so much disdain this morning prior to church and even through church service, but I got over it. Why let myself get so consumed right? I got so caught up thinking about all these individuals who use drugs to get ahead and then are so rewarded with some kind of success—well, it looks that way superficially. I was fuming. But why bother? After a few minutes of being internally caught up in these thoughts, I kind of had this instinct that essentially told me that one quote—something about if someone hates on you, who cares because you don't even think about you. You know? Like, I was getting so caught up about hating on someone whose life is irrelevant to mine. FJSDKLJFLK when I find the quote again, it'll make more sense. What matters was that I triumphed that moment, okay.
We went to BV church today. It made me miss LaSU and my friends and church. I started crying in church and felt like a fool...mostly because I don't like being so vulnerable around anyone. But I let myself have the moment. I let myself be open and true to my feelings and in the moment, I think that's what I needed. Maybe I'd even go as far to say that I let myself be vulnerable because it meant being open with God again, for the first time in a long time. I'd say that's pretty notable despite the bittersweet feelings. Anyway, here's a picture of my parents and I. I think it's safe to say they were incredibly excited to be there this morning (even though it was their idea to attend BV).
Not very flattering picture of myself but it's not awful, haha.
I almost caved. No. I didn't actually. What I meant was the thought of caving was (and is) stronger at night. I instinctively think about him before I go to bed and hope that he's doing okay. Despite our goodbyes, I didn't even think to tell him to take care of himself...not that he needs that reminder...but I just think he kind of needed that reminder because him and I often forget how much we rely on each other. He beats himself up pretty hard when this happens and usually I come to his rescue and pick him back up, but I don't think that will happen again or at least anytime soon. But him (and I) have to learn to be independent and responsible for ourselves. In our relationship, he took care of me. Constant reminders of responsibilities and things I need to keep in mind. I realized that I had to be that consciousness for myself—constantly and explicitly remind myself to be smart and not be so reckless.
I'm not sure why that is. It's almost as if he kept my mind all in one place or maybe I just haven't figured my shit out yet. I think it's the latter and I want it to be that way.
There's too much "I need him, he completes me" and not enough "I complete me yet I [him] along for this journey"(source)
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