Anyway. We broke up (again). It's the first time in a long time. And I think it'll be for a long a time. I don't really wanna talk about it much; I think that'll be for another post when I feel like reflecting on it. I'm listening to Flosstradamus because I'm planning on going to Mad Decent and I wanna feel prepared for his set lol.
I don't think he'll find this blog. If he does...ugh. I just felt like I needed an outlet to get my thoughts out. But I didn't want to make it private because Idk, what if. I still love him. I think I got comfortable. I think he thinks I don't love or care about him anymore. I also think that him and I both consciously think after a week has passed, that it'll be "okay" for us to start talking again and possibly get back together again. But I don't think so.
I don't want to cave. We both owe it to ourselves to get our priorities straight—putting ourselves first then work back to putting each other first. Or something like that. That's my prerogative at least. I just feel like I fucked up by getting too comfortable and not appreciating him for everything he was (or is??) to me in the relationship we had. I think if began to appreciate him and had more patience for him, then maybe I'd try to get into contact with him again.
It's an awful feeling to think about what if in that time—between now and when I decide that we should give it a try again—he finds someone else? It'll hurt, and I know this, but if he really believes that she's better than me for him, then how can I complain? I've always wanted nothing but the best for him but I wanted to be the one to give him the best he deserves. If it happens, I'll accept it and just hope that God has something better for me because we'll really be in a pickle if he's for me but she's for him—what? I'm confused. I just hope I'm not the one with the shorter stick.
I don't think I'll find someone. I'm not like the way I was in high school. You know, open to anyone. I imagine that if he isn't "the one," then "the one" will *slide into my DMs* in such a way that only one key will fit into the lock.
Who am I kidding? It's only been a couple days. A dragging long couple of days.
I have my days quite occupied but it's those lonely, quiet nights that leave me alone to my thoughts. No, that's why you borrowed those books from the library. Duh, self. DUH. Sources say that it's not good to read a book before you sleep, but honestly it's the only medicine that will cure my thoughts. Beats feeling sad and sorry for everything.
Wow, I totally forgot why I even began blogging. After my relationship ended a few days ago, I told myself I ought to take care of myself and not succumb to caving. I'm sure I'll have some off days, but I wanted to solidify this idea of "one hundred happy days." I owe it to myself to be better without a relationship—at least have the satisfaction that I am better one way than the other. I'm on Day....2 now?
On day one, I went to the library. Now that I have a year off, there's honestly nothing greater than having the ability to read so leisurely—unless it's reading leisurely at the beach. Then that's greater. I picked up After Dark by Haruki Murakami and The Vacationers by Emma Straub. I've started After Dark and so far, I understand why everyone is so captivated by Murakami.
Today, I took my first kiteboarding lesson. Two hours long but I've got a good hold on how to control the kite. Coincidence? Maybe a blessing.
Here's to 97 more happy days,
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