Anyway. A lot of different thoughts today...like how my breakup affects my friends and his family, how I'm afraid to get back out there and let someone in again, and my upcoming birthday.
I just introduced the idea of how his family is going to react to the break up to myself earlier today. I started thinking about one of his cousins and how I became really fond of her friendship through the years and even his nephew and how awful it'll be if he asks where I've been. I don't even know if I'll come back anymore. I love him, but there are so many conditions that I cannot sacrifice for our relationship right now. Like, I know and understand that he has anxiety issues and even though he's grown so much in the last four years, it's just not enough for our relationship right now.
I need the progression...like if I were to celebrate my birthday in San Diego, I would need him to be there without any fuss. It's for me. It's so frustrating because I would have to convince him. I'm honestly not afraid of being open with my parents about my past relationship if we were still together and I think I would just appreciate that him and I would have exhausted all options for our relationship to thrive—but it's not enough to just sit in North Hills and act as if everything is acceptable and we're both satisfied. Because we're not.
I also started thinking about how my friends are going to react. It's a weird and slightly selfish thought, but still present. Like they're so used to asking about him. And if I start seeing someone (not soon hopefully), I only want my friends to be concerned with my happiness and nothing to do with what my past was like, just as long as I'm happy. I don't know why I'm thinking about everyone else when all that should matter is myself in this situation, but I'm pretty good at caring about others, smh.
Finally, I started thinking about what I want to do for my 21st birthday. I kind of like the idea of having it on a dinner cruise wearing For Love & For Lemon's Antigua dress. Then I started thinking about who I'd invite and more so—would I have a date? Probably not, but one of things I've stressed about is how I wanted him to be so much a part of spending that day with me (and my friends and my drunken desires). But we always fought about it. And it both angers me and reminds me of the deep ache I have of never fully having him. It's a problem that is my own as I understand that anxiety is a disease and he doesn't control that, just as one does not control his or her own cancer (or any other disease). It's so selfish of me to be this way but I don't know if I have anymore to give. I don't even know why I always want so much. I feel like it has and always has been what I want. Was I spoiled? Did I really as for so much? Did I not deserve it? Was I not worthy of what I wanted—whether it's sex, his time, or his experiences?
Now that we're not in a relationship, I look at all the options I can pursue. But yet, I still think about how I wish I could share these experiences with him. I don't know if he really understands who I am and the wanderlust/strong desire I have to explore and experience new things. And then I think about how selfish I am to not pardon his debilitating issue. Then I think about how in movies, when a girl gets with a new guy and in the end, realizes her ex (or someone else, just not that guy isn't for her despite how great he may have been) is the one and the two get back together. I'm afraid to go through that process because if I so choose to be open to opportunities brought forward to me, I know he won't be so open if I go back to him. Think about it. A girl dates a great guy but because he isn't perfect, they break up. She decides to search for the one when really, he is the one. But he's also human and doesn't accept her for not loving him in his entirety in the first place.
I ache just thinking about what if the tables were turned.
No comments:
Post a Comment