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First-time freshman, second semester

I will be a part time student. Last semester, I was able to rack up 16 units worth of classes--seeing as I  passed 12. This semester, I was able to attain just about 13 and am not taking any science or math classes. I am ready to drop my creative writing course and possibly my geography class.

I'm applying to tons for jobs. I need to. If I plan on attending Art Center, I need as much money I can possibly earn between now and school. I'm desperate.

Colleges/universities to be considered, in order of preference: Art Center College of Design, Pacific Union College, Loma Linda University.

I'm obsessed

The Hunger Games Trilogy. I didn't know what inspired me to pick up and buy the first book (via my nook), but I did. I'm glad I did. I finished the entire series in less than a week. I got through them lightning fast and wish I didn't because it was such an incredible story. I'm (somewhat) excited for when the actual movie releases, but am slightly disappointed in character choice. Well. I think just upset that Josh Hutcherson is playing Peeta. Maybe it's just because I hated his character in Little Manhattan but still.

50/50 featuring Jordan Gordon-Levitt and Seth Rogan. Simply put, this movie was unbelievably amazing. Seriously. I already knew the plot somewhat and anticipated crying but not as much as I actually shed. Jon and I watched this today after we had pho for lunch and I'm extremely glad we did. I love life. Also, I'm contemplating ordering this on Bluray. Fuck cancer.

Naked

Here, I'm sitting in my most vulnerable state. Sorta. I'm avoiding the topic of Art Center vs. Loma Linda because to be frank, I just really don't give a fat fuck tonight.

My Religious Studies 101 and AAS 107 class are super dope. I love the vibes and I definitely appreciate my professors. I haven't attended my geography class yet (I will tomorrow), but I don't like my creative writing class. The vibes aren't there for me. Everyone I've met have been friendly, but everyone seems to self centered and shallow in the class. On top of that, I hate sharing personal things with people I don't know. Creative Writing  is supposed to be an outlet, not a hindrance.

I wasn't able to get any science or math classes. Big whoop.

My (bottom) lip is getting better ever since I bought vaseline, along with a ton of other shit I didn't need but saw in the "dollar stop" at Target (Granada Hills). Hahah. I willingly spent $14.09 on a mini tub of Vaseline, a Valentines day card that I may be sending to Karl, two notepads (one that is for memos and one that organizes groceries and meals), two tiny grow pots (one for "Forget-Me-Not" flowers and another for strawberries—they act as little Valentines Day presents), a flimsy hanging sweater storage that I'm returning ASAP, and a small journal.

I'm dreading driving to San Diego tomorrow. I haven't even been here for a week and driving to San Diego tomorrow feels like such a chore. I'm almost positive when I come back here, I probably won't be visiting San Diego often...except that I know I need to be back next Friday again so I can help bring people to UCSD's high school conference. Blah. Maybe I can take out some energy by shopping—because duh, money isn't expendable. I should get a job.

It won't ever end

9:31pm

I'm laying in my Granada Hills "home," granted, it is the closest thing to home here. Jon's house is a very, very close second. I arrived here maybe half an hour ago from Jon's house, but I wish I didn't have to leave. When I stripped to just my underwear and threw on a tank top, I looked in the mirror. The mere fact that I've gained weight was prominent. I suppose it's a good thing that I have a plan to shed it off in these next few months.

I had the wonderful opportunity to sleepover, and I did. He told me this morning that I accidentally kneed his back in the middle of the night when he instinctively pushed my leg away hard, forcing me to say, "you fucker." None of this jogs my memory. But it's still a good story. I'm honestly just so grateful to see him again. When I got to his house yesterday, I was just so ecstatic. When I'm so incredibly happy, I tend to deny what feels too good to be true. This has happened on several occasions when I'd see Jon after months at a time—I'd probably push or insult him. It was both yesterday. But, as always, it doesn't take long for us to warm up to each other.

We opened presents, caught up on our favorite shows, and hung out. Today was the same, except, I went out with him and his family for an early dinner. It was nice.

Sometimes it's just so hard for me to realize that there is an issue laying in the back of my mind...as I don't want it to be true—or better yet, become true. (I just laid out a blanket I took from home that I'm sure my parents won't bother to ask about. I'm glad I brought it.) It's hard for me to bring up the topic because I know it won't end well. I want to be straight forward and up front about it, but I don't. I don't want to lose what I have...what Jon and I have. We've gone through so much and just to end it now seems impossible. More so, the decision is really all or nothing.


But enough about that. I miss my sister. I wish I could have brought her here with me. And I wish school didn't have to start on Monday. I'm dreading it. It's just about a quarter until ten o'clock and I have a long day tomorrow.

I'm struggling to believe that God wouldn't put me through situations I couldn't endure. I'm guessing complacency is a blessing in disguise.

Hm, well.

I'm lazy and in denial. I'm sitting in front of the TV, watching Ace of Cakes, at 9:57am. I'm not even trying to think that I'm driving back to Northridge tomorrow. It's like that feeling I used to get when I would spend a week in San Francisco, then I would have to travel back to reality. It feels so weird. I haven't touched my clothes or things to be packed. Ace of Cakes just isn't cutting it, so I put on my favorite songs and have now caught myself organizing my music folder for the time being. Maybe by noon I'll start packing.

Shoulda, Coulda, Woulda

I should've done so many things ahead of time, but now I'm suffering. When will I ever get my act together. I was planning on taking Art Center (classes) at Night (ACN), but I just found out that January 17 is the last day for registration and there's no way I can come up with the money. I had just enough money to use from my savings, but how can I just dip and leave for the next week? I'm so frustrated with myself, how could I have waited any longer? All I know is I have a few options—to tell my parents what I want to do and ask them to let me pursue this class, or just wait until they "decide" to reimburse me.

I feel so weak, stuck, and incapable.

edit, 9:37pm.


I know I can do this. I know I can make it on Tuesday nights and be there from 7pm-10pm and drive back late at home just to take this class. I want this so badly. Financially, I'm just not there.

Viva sem arrependimentos, ame sem dar explicações

My future is still so unclear. I'm on the fence about two things: graphic design and medical technology. I'm so fucking frustrated about how much I need to invest my body, mind, and spirit in this decision—and the fact that I've been putting it off is just taking a toll on me. I'm on the phone with him right now and everything he's saying is going through one ear and out the other. It's not because I don't love him and I don't want his input, but at the same time, he isn't going to be paying for my university/art school education. It's so much pressure to think that he doesn't want to be with me now because we don't know what our future is going to hold for us both. Why can't it be that he wants to stay here and support me with whatever decision I end up making? Of course I've considered the option that will be the best for the both of us...and that's the option I'm leaning towards. But at the same time, if the roles were switched, I would want the best for him, whether his future involves me or not. I would just want whatever makes him the happiest, whether he ends up proposing to me...or another girl. I'm not saying that I want what we have to end, but why is it that it's my decision to make?