a hundred good days

If there's anything that bothers me, it's about not being able to be myself. More so, my piercing. It's really not a big deal. But just the fact that my insecurity about what people are going to think about it at an Adventist school bothers me. I mean, not even people that I don't know, because I could care less about what they think. It's the people that I do know that kind of makes me feel insecure. But I'm constantly in an internal battle with myself about how I should carry myself around other people in school. Should I just not wear it out the first week to see how people in my classes are? (This is probably what I'm mostly likely what I'll do...I always end up test driving my classmates before I let myself have the freedom of wearing my "unlikely" piercing out.) Should I just wear it out when I'm comfortable and then hide it around people I know? Or should I just wear it out and not give a fuck when I'm with people I know? Should I let them just be surprised or whatever?

Honestly, I don't know what I'm in such a conflict with myself. The people I know have their "imperfections" too, I guess. I mean, it's not like I'm drinking alcohol or smoking weed. But I don't need to compare myself. I just don't want to have to conform to their comfort levels if when in comparison to other mutual friends, they get under the influence. My piercing is an intentional and conscious decision I chose to get in April of 2011. Well, I guess so is drinking and getting high. But my piercing doesn't lower or alter my inhibitions. It's a part of who I am—at least, for the time being...it could just be temporary (luckily, my septum can be easily hidden and removed)—I just don't want to be judged the wrong way for it. But I don't know. I know that it does lower my professionalism in some circumstances, but in others where professionalism doesn't matter...that's when I don't feel like I should be judged. It's like discriminating against someone at an Adventist school for not being Adventist. I'm not gonna be annoyed at you for (not) being Adventist. Likewise, I'm not gonna judge you for (not) having your septum pierced. I guess I just need to remember that in a situation where piercings are irrelevant, they really need to be. I think the more self conscious I am about my piercing, the more sheltered my "friends" will be and the more held back I'll feel.

Of course, these self conscious feelings are only limited to school. I don't care about what people think in the night life.