Dear J.
Wow. It's been such a long time since we've talked...but that's okay. I made it that way. I can't believe it's been two years. Wow. Actually. Writing this breaks my heart to know that all is said and done. Or left unsaid but still done nonetheless. It's been two years since our birthdays and I still manage to remember yours, but I say nothing. Probably because I unfriended you on Facebook and I deleted your contact off my phone. I did this to myself, I guess, but only for my benefit.
If you must know, I'm doing quite well. I have a loving boyfriend and I go to school just north of Los Angeles. No, I haven't gained any weight and the taco shops out here are trash. School is okay. I hope school's been okay for you too. Please don't tell me you're ditching class to skate. Haha. Whatever floats your boat I guess. I can't remember why I wanted to write this.
Oh right.
I actually stumbled across your Facebook a few minutes ago and peeked at your profile picture. He's right. "So much joy in one picture." And that's exactly how I remember you. Cheesing half your face off, goofy as fuck. I mean, despite the fact that after elementary school when you moved away, things got really awkward really quick. Not that quick though.
That summer before middle school, we stayed up on the phone and watched Naruto all night. I would get into SO much trouble. Hahaha. The hours of watching only to get past ep 130 to find out that I couldn't handle the direction of the story line any longer. Ughhhh geez. I'm getting better at accepting change though! Anyway, Jon tells me shippuden is really crazy now. Sometimes I wish I kept watching so if I were to run into you again, we'd have something to talk about. That's how it is after we both parted our ways. Well. I don't think I initially wanted to go. I still wanted to be friends. The best friends that we used to be. The best friends that would stay up and watch Naruto together even though you've already seen those episodes but you'd still be as equally excited as I would get.
The last time we hung out was two and a half years ago. I wasn't driving yet. I can't even remember how we wanted to hang out. Anyway, you came to my house and picked me up in your shit can of a car. It didn't even have a radio, lol. You had an iPod plugged into speakers that you probably bought at Marshall's and told me I couldn't roll the window down because it was broken. We sat in your car for a good five minutes before we left my culdesac because we were trying to figure out what to do or where to go. I think we went to Lollicup, then Smart N' Final so you could buy those stupid red cups. After, I think we went to Plaza Bonita for a quick second. Yea. We did. Because I remember you told me that you weren't really talking to your Mom...your real mom, not your Grandma...but you wanted to visit her since she lived close to the mall. I didn't think you were serious, but we went. On the way, we laughed and I asked if she remembered me. I think you said she still did. When we got there, she wasn't home. Bummer. I guess I'll never know if she remembers me from our elementary school years.You dropped me off at my house after.
I remember vague fragments of our conversation that only exist in my memory. Telling me that you started smoking cigarettes was a shock—but not as big as the shock it was when you told me you used to get high. The J I knew didn't do that...yeah, maybe he had issues that resonated in his mind, but it was never enough to do that. I thought skating was your outlet. I don't know. I hope you stopped. The last thing I wanna hear is that you died from dealing or from lung cancer. I can't even fathom the thought of you being even more gone than you are now.
But even so, now you're just a memory.
I actually saw you last Friday. I was back in town from college, roaming the city with my sister for some decent Black Friday deals. Kayla and I were on our way to leave Plaza Bonita when I saw you. Geez, you look exactly the same. Still miserable. Haha. And with your Dad. I turned away, hoping you wouldn't notice that it was me—just some hobo/hipster looking chick hanging out with your ex bestfriend's little sister. When I told my mom that I saw you, she said that you did see me. Not because you told her, but because she just..."knew." As I was walking towards the exit, I almost half expected you to grab my arm and yell, "Deaj?!?!!?!???!!?" Then I would probably bawl my eyes out because I didn't think you would remember me. But you didn't notice me. You kept walking. I even asked Kayla to look behind to double check that he didn't see either of me or her.
Sigh. I don't know where I was going with this, but I hope you're doing okay and you're staying out of trouble. Please take care of yourself for me.
Deaj.
